I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
