woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
