Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
