I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
