Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
