so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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