That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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