I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
