Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
