i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
