Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
