***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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