First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
