I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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