Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
