highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
