I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
