Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
