when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Someone signed my nipple.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
