She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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