I wish my penis had an off switch
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
