new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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