i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
