wakey wakey hands off snakey
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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