our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
