i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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