dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
