I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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