Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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