they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
