I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
