so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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