I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
