she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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