I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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