Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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