Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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