i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
