Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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