i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
