I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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