Jerry, you need to find god
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Someone shattered a urinal.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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