just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
