Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
