my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
