So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
