Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
