I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
