So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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