When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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