I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
